time wasted?

After a few days of making reports and beating deadlines, I felt like I've had enough of it. All I wanted was to do nothing. Then yesterday, the hard disk of the desktop that I'm using at the office was reformatted and I found myself "jobless" for a day...which was fine...for a few minutes. Then the hours after that seemed to drag on. Doing nothing, I found out, is a hard thing to do.

There's a saying that says The time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time. But what exactly is wasted time? It's a question that asked for a subjective answer. And yesterday at the office is one good example of wasted time.

When I was a teenager, I've spent so much time with my friends. We spent hours talking, telling jokes, inventing ghost stories and go home with smiles on our faces. At other times, we spent afternoons beach combing (I had a collection of cowries and driftwoods which I made into a lamp shade) and inevitably, watching the sun as it sinks into the darkening blue horizon, hushed and everyone strangely deep into his own thoughts.

pastel sunset

how many beautiful sunsets "happen" in a month? and how many are stared at by those who have problems at hand? Many, I'm sure. This scene is often seen but do they have time to admire it? Does it stir their aesthetics? No.

It's not fair at all that only those who have no pressing problems should enjoy and experience beauty of nature. Enjoying a sunset is free... but why is it that it means nothing to them? They are looking at it but not seeing. It means nothing and doesn't affect them in any way. Why?

I often asked myself that question before because when I saw beautiful sceneries, especially sunsets, I felt ridiculously affected. All at once I'd feel alive, sad, nostalgic,and a sort of deja vu-ish ..over what, I really don't know but it's there.

And then I grew up and had many problems along the process. Then and only then that I knew why. With so much pressing problems at hand, your mind becomes numb and insensitive and couldnt care less.

poor rice farmers

A neighbor came to me this morning. He is a farmer. He farms rice. Not really a friend nor enemy but I knew him for he was once my hired hand years ago. I was wondering what he wanted from me but he finally came to it after some weather talk. He needed to buy 6 bags of commercial fertilizer for his rice farm and was asking if I could supply the fertilizer for him. In return, he said, he'll pay me with 3 sacks of rice per bag of fertilizer. Hhhmmm..tempting..that means 18 sacks of rice in 2.5 months! But of course I didn't say yes for 2 reasons. Not only because I don't have the money for it but mainly because I can't allow myself to take advantage of the poor farmer in this situation. Believe me, I have tried it before and saw the anguish in their eyes as they part with sacks of rice that could feed their families for a few months more...that it haunted me for a long time.

This sad situation of our poor farmers has never shown any improvement...a vicious cycle of debts, usury and misery... a never-ending story and if these poor farmers can't get a real help from the government, then their children will continue what their fathers are doing. And that would be another sad story to tell..

when words don't come easy...

I tried..really tried to write something to post here but a mound of crumpled papers after, I stopped, only to try and fail again. And it went on for weeks. One proof that I am really trying is when I'm writing on paper instead of directly on the computer..because if I am in the mood for writing, I don't have to work hard on it..

What caused this must be the too many celebrations we had last month. We attended three fiesta celebrations (and have to travel by boat and plane to attend one!), two birthday parties, culmination programs and been bombarded with loud music every night for more than two weeks..all these depleted my creative juices.. LOL Maybe...

Now that we're almost in the middle of June, I'd probably have the juices back. For now, all I can say is: when words don't come easy, they don't.